Grieving – How The Hell Do You THINK I’m Doing?

That’s Right So Don’t Ask!

I never actually said it, wouldn’t have said it, but I sure did want to scream it every single day for many years! And yes, I do know how very non-Christian that sounds.


EVERY SCAR I HAVERickey and I finally got around to watching The 5th Quarter tonight, and I actually sat up and cheered when Andie MacDowell exploded when a neighbor asked her how she was doing as she struggled with the loss of her son. Ric and I both agreed that although we had never told each other, this is exactly how we wanted to answer others so many times throughout the years.

“How the Hell do you think I’m doing?”

So let me give you a head’s up here. Don’t be dumb enough to ask a grieving parent (or anyone else) how he’s  doing. You can’t be that stupid, but just in case you actually are, choose one of your children (or your spouse or anyone else you love with all of your heart), send him away forever, and then ask yourself each day how you are doing. And if you want to understand 100%, choose a horrible death for him first, maybe a death that mutilates him or terrifies him, or maybe even better, lets him lie and suffer beyond what anyone can imagine, then ask yourself how you are doing.

Only the ones who have stood where the griever stands have earned the right to ask the question because they KNOW.

For the rest of you, there are only a few things that those who grieve want to hear from you, and they DO want to hear from you.

1. I’m thinking about you.

2. I hope you can feel me sending you my love.

3. I love you.

4. Please call me when you feel like talking…or screaming.

5. I’m a great listener when you need to talk.

6. I’ll hold your hand and help you kick the wall anytime you need someone.

7. I can’t even start to imagine what you’re going through but I’m here when you need me.

8. I’m thinking about you.

9. I’m thinking about you.

10. I’m thinking about you.

If you haven’t seen The 5th Quarter, you might gain some insight from watching it. Rickey and I actually would not have watched it had we realized how intense it would be, and it was only sheer grit that made us sit through it. It is a long way from being the best movie I’ve ever seen, but the ungodly, searing pain this family experiences is as real, as true to life as I have ever seen on the screen.

If you’ve already experienced a great loss, I will just warn you that it may be way more than you can stand to watch. If you have not, I honestly think you could learn a lot about helping those who desperately need  some help, some understanding.

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4 Responses to Grieving – How The Hell Do You THINK I’m Doing?

  1. Debra Marett April 2, 2013 at 5:25 pm #

    This is so very true. I wanted to slap people. How are you? My first thought was always fo they realky wAnt to know?? do they wZnt to know thst I set in my carport sometimes for 30 min before I xan get out And go into my house alone? Thst I walk in and look around every room like I think Billy is there somewhere. that I go to bed Nd then the

    • Fredda Jones
      Fredda Jones April 2, 2013 at 10:43 pm #

      I’ve not been where you are, Debra, and I can’t even start to imagine how it must be.

  2. grahamforeverinmyheart April 3, 2013 at 10:48 am #

    I never fail to be amazed when people look at me and ask with confusion, “Is something wrong?” How can they even ask that? My son was killed 10 months ago….YES, EVERYTHING IS WRONG!! I can’t help looking unhappy and sometimes they see me right after I’ve cried or when I’m on the verge of tears (always). But, they often can’t connect the most devastating event of my life with my unhappiness. They seem to have already relegated that to the past. What they can’t know is that his absence is with me every second.

    • Fredda Jones
      Fredda Jones April 3, 2013 at 1:58 pm #

      I am so glad to hear from you. I’m praying every single day for you to have the strength to make your days, and I know that surviving them is all you are doing right now. People are a challenge and if I had it to do over (pray God that never happens) and if I could gather the strength, I think I would actually say the things I wanted to say, maybe minus the hell in this post.

      If we always hold it in and never tell them, people will continue to have absolutely no understanding and that continues to allow them to be very cruel, whether they know it or not.

      There are many tough milestones on this journey and you are at a very hard point as you near the year marker. I will be praying for you. I hope you can feel my virtual hug.

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